Beer for women!

Put down your pink mixed drink, and pick up that pink beer!

Why do You Drink?

Because when clarity happens, so does the punching

brewfus’ definitive food pairing guide

The only food pairing guide you will ever need forever

A Happy Place:

A trip inside Millstone Cellars

Breaking into Jailbreak Brewing

Delicious beer and Queen lyrics

Beer Review:

DC brau “The Corruption” is certainly corrupted

Latest Articles

One Word Of Advice For The Craft Beer Newbie

Would you just slow down a minute? I'm trying to tell you something.

Look- LOOK WOULD YOU LISTEN? Put your goddamned beer down, and shut up.

Yeah, I know, you really like that IPA.

What? Yes, I've heard of Heady Topper.

Why do you want to go to Portland?

Because it's the beer capital of the United State? [laugh] Oh shut up. Look, shut up, you only just had your first beer that is half way decent. Like just had it, 20 minutes ago. Would you just relax? Thank you.

Yeah, beer is great. Yeah, it's exciting to learn about the hops and the grains and the this and the that, but you know what you got to learn before all of that? Before the shit that doesn't matter? Before the top 10 this, or the fucking Bro's say that or any of that?

No. What? No. Not that at ALL. Patience, dude. That's why I keep telling you to shut up, so you can hear what I'm trying to say.

Yes, I know I'm the furthest thing from sage-like, but I do have SOME wisdom. And that tasty little nugget, that one word, that singular utterance that has taught me the most. Patience. I understand that beer is really exciting, and that you just want to go all in.If anyone gets it, trust me, it's me. Lately though, I've learned more from a slow drink in a quiet place, than I have in all my neckbeard filled beer fests.

Neckbeards. Yeah. It's a term you'll come to learn.

Patience. It's really all I have to offer you. Beer is something that I can see getting excited about in all kinds of different facets, and just like there is a lot to get excited about, there is just as much to sit the fuck down and be patient about. But seeing as You are annoying the shit out of me, I'm just going to focus on the two most important ones. Well, at least important to me.

Like what? Well, one of the first things I learned to be patient with is my consumption. Not just in a "hey, slow down before you get all kinds of shit-faced!" Patient in a more, "hey, why don't you slow down and pay attention to what you're drinking." While I had been drinking for a while, and into craft for a while, the first beer that ever really spoke to me and made me pay attention was Otter Creek's "Stovepipe Porter." As I sat and drank it, with no intention other than enjoying the album I was listening to, the flavors really bloomed and made me stop what I was doing and take my time. With each sip, I let the beer sit in my mouth, rolling over my tongue while I tried to discern all the different flavors I was discovering. I sat with that one pint for nearly an hour, and it still stands as one of the best beers I have ever had.

Yeah, I know it's "only an Otter Creek" but there is more to beer than just drinking it. You'll learn that one day, but that's not what I'm trying to pound into your simple mind.

What album was I listening to? I think it was "Extraordinary Machine."

The last thing I'll tell you about, is-OH MY GO PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND GET OFF OF BEER ADVOCATE! Beer Advocate is run by a couple of douche bags, and one of them has some wretched wife, and you really should stay far the fuck away from that site. I promise you, it wont do you much good. This though, ironically kind of filters into the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Hype..but I mean, not HYPE...more...Ugh. Look, I know you see all this big exciting beers, all these rare beers, one-off and all that shit people are clamoring over one other to get their greedy little hands on.

I promise you, the super whaelz you want to get your hands on are very good. BUT...I also promise you that there are other beers available to you that are just as good. I guess that's where patience comes into this one. Spend some time drinking whats around you before you go out and attempt to trade away your first born from some Heady Topper or whatever you nerds are into these days. Besides, that Heady Topper? There are plenty of other easily available DIPAs that are just as good. Seriously, dude, just explore the beers that are available to you locally. I don't mean be the guy who is ALL LOCAL, ALL THE TIME! But your local beer store will have a pretty good selection, I bet. Play with that first. Find the flavors you like, find your style preference, hell, find a brewery that seems to play to your own tastes. but take your time doing it. Beer is always going to be there. There is no need to jump in liver first, buying up and consuming it all in one fell swoop. Beer is a really fun thing to discover if you just slow the fuck down and show a little restraint.

Get off those forums, and calm yourself. I promise, it may be some time not in the near future, but you will be able to come across any of those super raer beerz, you'll try it, and wonder "that's it?"

But in order to do that, you would have needed to stop fidgeting and be able to actually listen. But you didn't which explains why your stupid-ass is paying $40 for some bottle at a bar that is half that on the shelf.

What? No. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. So fucking what if it's 11% ABV. Higher ABV is not equal to better beer. Neither is higher price. Neither is IBUs. And lastly, neither is a line of dorks outside the brewery at 8 in the morning...But again, that kind of stuff is a lesson for another day.


This post is the second part of what will be multiple essays from a variety of Mid-Atlantic bloggers looking to offer one word of advice for those of us who might be new to "craft" beer. Check in with Oliver from Literature and Libation tomorrow to see what he thinks.

Other posts in this collaboration:
Doug from Baltimore Bistros and Beer on "Craft"
Oliver from Literature and Libation on "Reciprocate"
Andrew from Das Ale House on "Drink"

Bryan from This Is Why I’m Drunk  on "Live"
Josh from Short On Beer on "Journey"
Liz from Naptown Pint on "Relax"

The Sessions #90: I'm Liable To Bite Your Goddamn Ear Off.



Did you catch the fight last night? Oh man it was a knock down, drag out, dirty fight. Hipster Brewfus, a relative new-comer, took on The Beer Industry. Man...it was bloody.

In the first round, Hipster bobbed and weaved around his competitor, trying to get a feel for the speed and strength of his opponent. A few years ago, this fight would have been a bit easier to call from the beginning, but it's plain to see that Beer has certainly bulked up the last couple years, and we really had no idea how this would end. A few moments of dancing around the outside went by before Brewfus moved in for a quick jab at mediocre breweries. Oh, this is shaping up to be good- Hipster balances on his right foot, ducking the slow, lazy blows, and moves in deftly, his words hit before Beer even knows whats happening

So this is what our culture has come to? You brew a few decent batches of beer, and you think you've got what it takes to step to the plate among those who have earned their right to be here? You've got friends who tell you the beer is amazing, but in the same breath will tell you Yuengling is one of the best beers.

Yeah, I understand all brewers have to start somewhere, but you' re bringing absolutely nothing new to that plate. Oh, you make an IPA? Fantastic, it's half as good as any of the other 900 IPAs that are on the shelf right now. But your brother-in-law said it was one of the best beers he's ever had? You my friend, have an issue of people not being honest with you, or even knowing what the fuck they are talking about.

In this make believe bubble we are dealing with now, we have breweries popping up at an alarming rate. In the words of the great George Carlin, "there is bound to be a few winners, and a whole lot of losers."

And you know what? I'm rooting for the losers.


You got stars in your eyes, son. You see the explosion of craft beer, and you want in on it. I don't blame you, it seems like an easy cash grab, but you simply lack the skills and imagination to have any sort of impact.

Christ, that looked like it hurt. Brewfus danced back, and waited for the sound of the bell, not wanting to exhaust himself right off the bat.

At the start of the second round, Beer came out swinging!

More is better! You have to support local breweries! You love beer, you have to support it!

Beer certainly caught Brewfus off-guard, but he quickly composed himself, and while leading with his left hand, went in for the body...

Nope, that's where you are wrong, more IS NOT always better. Would you rather have 1000 mediocre breweries with a whole lot of the same, or 500 breweries who know what they're doing, and can make beers worth getting excited for?

And local breweries? Yeah, I'm all for them, when they are deserving of being supported. I'm not going to blindly pump my money into a business, just because they are down the road from me. That's just blind stupidity. I give my money to companies that deserve it, to companies that have shown hey make a product worth supporting, be it down the street, or across the continent. See that shelf there at your local beer store? That's your competition. You have to pit your 4 shitty, boring beers against a veritable plethora of choices of styles, flavors, and quality. You think you really have what it takes? Yeah, you're local, but you certainly aren't captivating.

I love beer, and as a consumer, I don't have to do shit other than support my preferences, and reward those who make a superior product, with my dollars.


Brewfus really put his body into those last few blows, and sent Beer sprawling. But just as soon as it hit the ground, Beer was right back up, reeling back, and about to lay it on Brewfus. Before any of that beating could happen, the bell rang, sounding the end of the second round. With a shit-eating grin, Brewfus glanced over at Beer and blew it a kiss, taunting it. Beer really needed to change it's approach, because it's became blatantly obvious, Brewfus was going for blood.

At the beginning of the third round, Brewfus hung back, wanting to see what Beer was going to do. With a speed we hadn't seen, Beer danced around Brewfus and smacked him with a hard right hook across the face...

I got a legion of bloggers, motherfucker. I got bloggers all over the world espousing the merits of how awesome I am! AND YOU ARE A BLOGGER! You dedicate your time, money, and energy to ME, to making sure I can be the best. How are you gonna start beating on me?

Finding solace against the ropes, getting out of Beers barrage of hits, Brewfus saw the blood dripping down his eye. Beer had drawn first blood, and had Brewfus confused.

Stumbling back across the mat, Brewfus went on the defense...

How am I going to start beating on you? Easily! Look at the amount of bloggers there are, and then look at the quality of writing coming from them. 

Brewfus seemed to be getting his bearings back as he pivoted and went back to throwing actual punches...

How many motherfuckers out there are just writing reviews? And how many of those reviews are painfully boring to read. You aren't engaging me, you aren't doing a damn thing to keep my attention. I have no reason to read you. A beer review? Edgy. Because there aren't literally thousands of reviews on any other rating site about whatever shelf beer you had last night. You want to talk about mouth-feel? Fuck your mouth-feel. How does the beer look? Who gives a shit? You are so painfully boring. Do something else, anything else. Show me why I should get excited for this beer. Tell me a story about this beer. Do a million other things than write your monosyllabic review of this beer that I could care less about. And while we are at it, step up your writing game. Use your imagination, use a thesaurus, use the plethora of information available at the tips of fingers to do something to make your writing unique. Have a voice. When you can write 1,000 words, and not have anything to say, there's a huge disconnect. 

With laser focus, and gritted teeth, Brewfus wasn't letting up...

And what the FUCK is the deal with crowd sourcing your Beer Blogger Conference vacation? Look, I went to the Beer Bloggers Conference in 2013, and as educational as it was, it was a vacation. To be more specific, a 3 day blur of booze, cheese, and a riotously good time. But I wouldn't ever have the lack of self-awareness and tact to ask OTHER people to send me across the country to get drunk. It's not for a "good cause" it's because you obviously didn't manage your money in a manner that allowed you the privilege to take the trip. It is not some sort of right. It's something you have to earn, something YOU have to make happen through your own means. The thought of you begging other people for money for this frivolous expense infuriates me to no end, and fuels my unrelenting attack on you.

You are shameless in your panhandling. And at the end of the day, you have nothing to offer to anyone who actually funds your trip. And the worst part is; THERE ARE PEOPLE FUNDING YOUR TRIP. I have almost as little respect for them, as I do for you. What do you have to offer to the people pouring money in your pocket? If you learned anything from your other trips, your blog would have improved by now, and it hasn't. Your words are still simplistic, and you still haven't offered anything to the world of beer blogging worth getting even slightly excited for.

Regardless of my feelings, you'll reach your goal, and people will call me some terrible things. Let them, because I can rest with the knowledge that when push came to shove, I knew I couldn't make the trip, and bowed out gracefully. I didn't make a mockery of both myself, and beer bloggers, by begging for money. Obviously, you haven't heard "No" enough times in your life. You have no humility. You got a free fucking ride last year, and what? You just thought "Well shit, I'll do it again?"

Fuck. You.


You don't deserve this, you haven't earned this, and all I can do is hope for your failure in this endeavor, Active Beer Geek. Maybe you can take the money you earn, and invest in some classes about fiscal responsibility. And then perhaps learn how to set a goal, and achieve it through hard work, and a bit of frugality.

You know what most people do when they cant afford something they want (and not need)? Go without it. Your preponderance shows that you are obviously above the means of us normal people.


At this point the crowd was on their feet as Beer swayed stupidly, and collapsed onto itself in a puddle on the mat.

Brewfus didn't wait around, and as the count neared 10, and the final bell rang, he had already tossed off his gloves, and disappeared, headed back to his room.

You know, we all thought that was the last we would see of him, until he stormed in on the post-fight press conference, grabbing the microphone, and jabbing an angry finger at the crowd. What he said, pretty much took the breath right out of the audience.

"Look, you all seem to live in this happy-go-lucky word, where nothing bad is ever made, all the beer is good beer, and everyone should praise everything. Well fuck that. That is not a world I want to live in, and I will happily burn any bridge to that world that I am connected to. Too many of you are full of shit, and you're sitting there gripping your phone, laying on praise where it doesn't deserve to have the faintest hint of existence. You ride these breweries dicks hard, but we all know what you want. What you've been secretly hoping for the whole time. Probably one of the reasons you got into this in the first place; free shit. I suppose I can't argue your logic though. If you jerk anything off long enough, you're going to get whats coming to you.

Apparently I missed the memo though, because I've learned that with a whole lot of no hard work, a half-assed video, nothing to offer, and an upturned palm, you can get pretty far.

The only way things get better, is when you get rid of all the bullshit that is plaguing it. But the craft beer world seems to think that piling it on instead, is the answer."

After that, he dropped the proverbial mic, and walked out the way he came, leaving us all slack-jawed, and stupid-eyed. I can not wait for the rematch.

The Session #90: Beer Fight Club



The Session, a.k.a. Beer Blogging Friday, is an opportunity once a month for beer bloggers from around the world to get together and write from their own unique perspective on a single topic. Each month, a different beer blogger hosts the Session, chooses a topic and creates a round-up listing all of the participants, along with a short pithy critique of each entry. Bill, The self proclaimed "Pittsburgh Beer Snob" was your host last month, and much like his chosen topic, he is now history.

I am Hipster Brewfus. A lot of you know what I'm about. What you don't know, is that I am incredibly bored by the happy-go-lucky nature of beer blogging. This is my opportunity to force you out of your comfort zone, and inject a little bit of hostility into this beer-laden world of sunshine and rainbows. It's time to knuckle up.

The idea for this session stemmed from a couple of few places. The first being my first experience with a bottle of Stone Brewing Vertical Epic 11-11-11. I have never wanted to punch a beer so hard in its glassy face before. The second item is my growing frustration with the general acceptance that all craft beer is good beer, and that any hint of negativity will do damage to our burgeoning scene. Lastly, a lot of the topics on The Session lately have been pretty unimaginative, uninspired, and uninteresting. 

The premise is this:

Have you ever drank a beer that became a battle, more than an enjoyable experience? Maybe a beer that was far bigger than you had anticipated? Something you felt determined to drink, just so you can say you conquered that son of a bitch, and you are all that is powerful. Or perhaps it is something that is just so bad, all you want to do is slap it around a bit. Or maybe you were on the verge of passing out, but you just wanted that one last beer, and the valiant struggle between taste bud fulfillment and the velvety embrace of sleep that ensued.

You picking up what I'm putting down?

It's time put down whatever praise you were about to dole out, and serve up a nice can of ass whupping.



More info can be found here: The Sessions

Super Ticket Giveaway So You can get Drunk Outdoors And Pass Out In The Hot Sun



I'm keeping this short and sweet. I have a buttload of tickets to giveaway to this years Annapolis Craft beer & Music Festival.

Every Friday until September 12th, I will be giving out pairs of tickets. You win, your name goes on a list, you pick up your tickets t the event office the day of the event, and you have a great time, at a great beer fest.

Here is the schedule as of now, for the giveaway MADNESS

July 11th (2 Tickets) - Beer Haiku Winner picked!

July 18th (2 Tickets) - Brewfus Drawing (Draw a one panel caricature of me. Make it stupid as hell, I don't care. not looking for incredible artistry, just something funny. It could be a stick figure for all I care). Tag #hipsterbrewfus on Instagram, Twitter or post the picture to my Facebook page! Winner Picked!

July 25th (2 Tickets) Random drawing! Winner Picked!

August 15th (2 Pairs Of Tickets) - All I want is your best anagram of "Hipster Brewfus!" And you cant use "Burp Fewer Shits" because I already figured that one out, and it's totally awesome. (2) Winners will get picked today!

August 22nd (2 Tickets) - ???
August 29th (2 Tickets) - ???

September 5th (2 Tickets) - ???
September 12th (4 Tickets) - ???

As you can see, I'm still in the "how should I give stuff away??" phase. All entries are viable through e-mail (Jake@hipsterbrewfus.com), Facebook (/HipsterBrewfusBlog), Twitter (@hipsterbrewfus), and Instagram (@hipsterbrewfus).

Good luck!

More info about the fest can be found here: http://www.theannapoliscraftbeerandmusicfestival.com/

And my Roundup of last years event: http://www.hipsterbrewfus.com/2013/09/annapolis-craft-beer-music-festival.html

Brewfus' Definitive Food Pairing Guide

Now look, for the last two years I've been trying to get you all to realize that I do have a semblance of seriousness when it comes to this whole craft beer thing. To do this, I decided to go on a bit of a hiatus and really dig down deep and try to lay a finger upon what it is I need to do to show that I am indeed a force to reckon with in this industry. So what conclusion did I come up with?

Food pairings, yo!

Seriously, what better way to show you that A) craft beer is serious business, and B) I know what the hell I'm talking about!? To do that, I spoke with all the experts in the world, and broke it down by which style best pairs with which kind of food item. I put a lot of man hours into this, but now you have a quick reference guide when you're out and about and think to yourself "what will go well with this sweaty 7-11 hot-dog?"

K├Âlsch, Cream Ale, Blonde Ale:

Try a burrito.




British-Style Bitter:

Try a burrito.



Pale Ale:


Try a burrito.




India Pale Ale:


Try a burrito.



Double/Imperial IPA:


Try a burrito.






Amber/Red Ale:


Try a burrito.






Scotch Ale/Wee Heavy:


Try a burrito.






Brown Ale/Altbier:


Try a burrito.






Abbey Dubbel:


Put this in your mouth and eat it.




Abbey Tripel, Strong Golden Ale:

You could try a soft taco, or a "Burrito that couldn't commit."



Old or Strong Ale:

Though nachos might be more appropriate.



Barley Wine:

Nah, fuck that. Burritos.



Porter:

I don't care what's in it, as long as its wrapped in a warm tortilla



Dry Stout:

Haaaaave you met my friend Burrito?



Sweet or Oatmeal Stout:

And his friend, burrito?



Imperial Stout:

When I'm done eating a burrito, I like to wash it down with another burrito.



Hefeweizen:

You know what burritos pair well with? More burritos.



American Wheat Ale:

For now on, all future beer reviews will earn a score from 1 to 5 burritos.



American Table Beer:

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen burrito, I said "No, but I want a regular burrito later, so "Yeah."



Witbier:

Oh burrito, you so fine, you fine you blow my mind.



Dunkleweizen:

Halfway through writing this, I went and got lunch.




Weizenbock:

And then I got a burrito.



Classic Pilsner:

"A burrito is just a sleeping bag for ground beef"



Helles, Dortmunder:

Have you ever met someone who doesn't like burritos?



Oktoberfest, M arzen, Vienna:

If you have, you should bludgeon them to death.



Amber Lager:

WITH A BURRITO!



Dark Lager, Dunkel, Schwarzbier:

You know who hated burritos?



Maibock/Pale Bock:

Hitler. That is who.



Dopplebock:

So eat a burrito, with all of your beers.



Oud Bruin, Flanders, Gueze, Wild Ale, Lambic:

Because even little hamsters love burritos.




Because the only way to get credibility in this game, is to put some food on that shit. Beer is as good as wine, right?

I got fries on it.

I Want To Break Free



"I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time

And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows I've fallen in love."
-Queen

When I first emailed Justin Bonner, the owner of Jailbreak Brewing Company, I never thought that inside of a year, I would be able to bear witness to the birth of a brewery that will certainly break free from the confines of any other normal brewery. But it's true. When Jailbreak opens its doors to the public, the craft beer scene in Maryland is going to become it's bitch.


Their tap handle!

I've had the luxury of being invited to Justin's house, and spending time with him and the rest of the Jailbreak crew while they practiced nailing down some recipes. It was here I was able to see what Ryan Harvey (Jailbreak's Brewmaster with an impressive resume) had "brewing" in his mind. Turns out...It's a lot. And not only is it a lot, it's so different. I was able to sample things like a blackberry wheat, a chocolate coconut porter (my personal favorite), and...well...these:


That Carrot Cake beer was unlike anything you have ever had. I promise.

Look, how many breweries have opened and you've thought "Yeah, awesome! A new brewery!" Only to go and see nothing special. A pale ale. A stout. Maybe a porter. But nothing with any real spirit. No real heart. Nothing to get really excited about. But at their new location, they already they have their batch of "Made Wit Basil" (a witbier brewed with fresh, chopped basil) kegged and ready to go. They also have "Big Punisher" their Double IPA, and while I was there last, they were finishing up brewing their Jalapeno IPA, and there was a blow-off bucket bubbling away with what I'm told is some cherry stout concoction. Yeah, I said it.

"Made Wit Basil." See, they even appreciate a good pun!

You and I both know that these are the kinds of beers that an established brewery will put out after its already gotten itself solidified. And these guys are having these on tap, at opening. That is ballsy. And I stand behind them 100% in this decision. Jailbreak is coming out swinging.

Look, the truth is, I started writing this blog post a long time ago. This is one piece I have struggled with. I want nothing more than to highlight Jailbreak in a light of positivity that they absolutely deserve. Am I kissing their ass? Maybe. It's hard to tell. I've developed a friendship with each person (Casey, Ryan, Erica, and Justin) involved in Jailbreak, I've shared beers at the owners house, I've been privy to seeing Jailbreak develop and grow, and even helped out with some CAD work so they can move along with the approval process from the state. I've put a lot of my own personal time into helping them. And I couldn't be more happier than to have done that, and I would again in a heart beat. And with all that, while I don't have anything to lose when it comes to Jailbreak, Maryland and Craft Beer as a whole, have everything to gain from their existence.

Do I love Jailbreak Brewing? Yes. And I will defend them with a fervent belligerence I save for only my most intoxicated and passionate rants on Twitter.

And before you try their beer, go to the bathroom and wash your hands.
Their faucets are magic.

Hipster Brewfus & His Guide On Beer For Girls

It's a trick. It's just filled with perfume and estrogen.


I've been asked time and time again, "Oh Hipster Brewfus you're so smart, could you please tell me which beer I should drink? You see, I'm a girl and society and the media have told me I don't know anything about beer."

So here goes my answer, in long form:

There is no "beer for girls." Every beer is for everyone. Regardless of your sex. So knock it off with that nonsense.

The End.